I want to start off this post by establishing that it is NOT impossible to be great friends with an ex lover. I envy the women that are able to look past all the stupid shit and actual have a long-term civil relationship with an ex lover. However, I think I speak for the rest of us women when I say that being "just" friends with an ex sounds more like an urban myth.
It has been back and forth between friendly encounters and absolute loathing with my ex after the split 6 months ago. We've gone from complete enemies, to friendly acquantinces, to scorned ex-lovers, and finally ending with one drunken mistake at the cheap motel down the street. It would be an understatement to say that our relationship post-break up was much more rocky than the three years together.
One of the major issues I find in keeping a stable, healthy relationship with an ex is sharing mutal friends. When you are together for a long time you start to find yourself surronded by the same group of people. You begin to lose your individual identiy and soon become an "and", such as Tim AND Ann, or Michael AND Rachel. Now that you've split, your friends begin to feel just as akward as you feel flying solo. Regardless of what you tell youself, sides will be taken and loyalty will be tested. What sucks even more than losing a lover? Losing your friends as well.
May our generation forever be scorned by the power of technology, especially that dreaded social network that allows stalking to be both legal and secretive. You know as soon as you change that relationship status on FB you're going to be bombarded with "keep your head up" comments, and likes by creepy guys who you don't even know. But after the inital shock is broadcasted all over the web, the stalking begins. I wonder if he posted any depressing song lyrics? Who's that girl that liked his new profile picture? Did that asshole really delete me off his friends list? It is hard to determine what's worse, having full access of his updated single life, or dealing with the rejection that you aren't even good enough to be a social media contact.
The final thing I find most difficult when dealing with an ex who wants to be friends is dealing with the fact that they only want to be friends. If the wounds are truely healed, then there is no problem going to dinner or listening to him talk about his new realtionship. However, I find myself wishing that maybe he will pick up the tab one last time, or lean over and hold my hand in his truck. But being in the "friend zone" means that your paying for your own shit and you better be contributing to some gas money. You can both put on fronts that there are no longer any romantic feelings towards one another, but when the "new ones" come into conversation, it can be difficult to determine whether you really can be friends. If you can sit there are listen about how great Thanksgiving was at Kimberly's house, and how her family is so nice, and how her mother loves him, then maybe you can be friends. But if all you can think about is how you can't beleive he is meeting the family so soon, that you hate Thanksgiving, and how your mom was so much cooler, I think you need to let the wounds heal more
So my advice to anyone who ever wants to become friends with an ex is to wait. Don't push the friendship thing at first, because trust me, it will not work! You both need time to heal and recoup. I suggest that after a breakup you call up all your girlfriends, go out and get a dress he would have yelled at you for wearing, and get out there. Sometimes the best remedies for heartache include good friends, great memories, and some strong shots!
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